Right before starting my freshman year of college, a close family friend passed away from lung cancer. The night I found out, I did not sleep at all. I went over 80 hours without sleep that week. I was diagnosed as bipolar shortly thereafter. Ray was like a grandfather to me and my siblings. We …
Faith and doubt
I began writing this post because of a prompt from one of my friends who asked if I’ve written anything about faith and mental illness. I wanted this post to go a certain direction, but as is often the case, the original idea morphed into a totally different beast. This is another post I’ve been …
A book that inspires me
Several months after my psychotic break and after I had begun to accept my diagnosis, I went to Barnes & Noble with my dad. He’s always enjoyed going to the psychology section, and I tagged along. I found a memoir called Manic written by Terri Cheney (you can buy it on Amazon here). The cover and …
Dear me at 16
Thanks to a prompt from a trusty random subject generator, I’ve decided to write a letter to my 16-year-old self. Let’s see what happens. I’ve been wrestling with this post for the better part of a week, and I just cannot get it going. So, I’m going to try to write it in stream-of-consciousness. Just …
Choosing bravery
I am not a daring person. I am scared of most things, and wary of everything else. I have friends who skydive and voluntarily engage in other adrenaline-inducing adventures. Not me. I avoid adrenaline at all costs. Since I do not enjoy leaving the house after five o’clock in the evening, this is easily achievable. …
The seven letter S word
I’ve struggled with thoughts of suicide since I was thirteen or fourteen, five or six years before finding out I was bipolar. I distinctly remember being home alone in middle school and feeling reckless and despondent—a terrible combination. I know I’m in trouble when I feel those things simultaneously. Our game room has a bannister …
Surviving mania
When you are manic, your mind bounds from one thing to another. To another. To another. Never-endingly. It is impossible to focus your thoughts. Your mind races; its RPM well beyond anything safe. Having coherent thoughts is impossible. So, you try writing them down. Yes. That will solve it. You will write down all your …
Between Two Poles 