Selfies and self-absorption: An online dating story

Online dating is the worst. I attract roughly three types of guys.

There are the guys who look as if they sit in their mother’s basement eating Doritos and playing video games all day. I’m already awkward enough for five people, so I have no business dating a guy who looks at his shoes when he talks to women.

There are the guys who are old enough to be my father. These guys can’t do math and/or refuse to look at the age of the women they message and interact with.

Then there are the guys who are actually kind of attractive, but they are so self-involved, it’s a wonder they can disengage from a mirror long enough to interact with other humans.

One guy from this latter group literally spent twenty minutes sending me P90X-style photographs of his weight loss. I’m not talking solely before and after photos. 

Oh, no. 

First he sent me before pictures. He was pretty fit, but he said he was really fat. Great, I’m talking to a guy who has insecurities about his body. 

Then he sent me photos of him after he lost thirty pounds. Okay, great. Good for you, man. But he wasn’t finished. He said he lost too much weight and was too lean for his liking. So he packed on a bunch of muscle. 

Guess who got to see photos of the ENTIRE transformation? That’s right. Me.

After three or four pictures, I stopped responding, but he kept on sending them. He sent some with four panels. Two before and two after. One before was from the front and one was from the back. Same with the after photos.

He was wearing compression shorts in all these photos, and I’m probably lucky he didn’t send me any of him naked. 

I ignored him the rest of the night. I later reflected on all those pictures, and realized he had more pictures of himself gaining and losing weight than I have of myself for my entire life. 

The next morning, he messaged me and asked what happened to me the night before. Now, keep in mind, we met online the day before. So we’d been messaging for all of two or three hours.

I decided to be completely honest with him, with the intent of never talking to him again. I told him sending me pictures of himself halfway naked for twenty minutes was a big turn off for me.

This guy got mad at me for calling him out. He said that ignoring him was a huge dealbreaker. And he was rather vicious. He somehow convinced himself that it was MY fault it wasn’t going to work out. And as if he’s the one who made that call. 

Whatever dude. At least you have all of those pictures of yourself to keep you from getting lonely.

I ignored his texts that morning, which I knew would anger him even more than me responding with something acerbic.

A few minutes went buy, and he texted me again. He said if I wanted to date someone who is perfect, maybe I should look for guys in a church group or something. As much as I wanted to respond, I figured I couldn’t do so nicely, so I deleted his number and ignored him. 

Men who rival Valley Girls for Most Conceited are not worth my time, no matter how good-looking they may be. We had barely introduced ourselves before this idiot started showing off his supposedly incredible body.

He claimed he only did it after he asked what I found attractive, and I said good teeth and guys who are fit. Apparently he took this as a green light to show off his pictures, which he probably spent more time on than his actual workouts. 

It’s true, I do want to find someone who has a good body, but I don’t want someone who is so desperate to show it off that he breaks every rule of social convention to share them with people he barely knows.

The best thing that came out of meeting this moron is a great story about the woes of online dating.

P.S. Stay tuned for other ridiculous dating stories.

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