After six months of worthless dates on match.com, I decided to try tinder.
I know, I know, it has the reputation as a hookup site, but I wanted to try it anyway. I have heard stories about people who end up having long-term relationships with people they met on tinder.
The good thing about tinder is there are more interactions with potential suitors. I have met a couple of pretty good guys on tinder—okay, one guy who I thought was a good guy. After a six or seven month trial, I deleted my tinder along with my match subscription.
I’ve been “off the market” since the end of February, which is fine by me. I need a break from the madhouse that is online dating.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was a date with guy I met on tinder who has the same first name as a crotchety lobster in a somewhat popular Disney film.
That’s right. His name was Sebastian. That should have been my first hint. My second hint should have been that he is a CPA (there’s nothing wrong with CPAs, but when you couple that with online dating, it’s not necessarily a good sign) I dismissed these oddities and went to a Stars game with him at the end of January.
I thought the date went well, but we had to leave the game early because I had taken my medicine with a hamburger, which just about knocked me out.
Over the next few days, we texted each other frequently. Upon reflection, his texts were fawning in nature, and I learned several years ago that I cannot stand fawning. I didn’t realize he was fawning yet, though.
At some point I told him I make amazing mac and cheese (which is true), and we decided I should go over to his apartment to cook it for him. Big mistake. Note to self: Never go over to a guys apartment for the second date.
I got there, and I quickly picked up on how awkward he is. I’m not sure why I didn’t perceive it during our first date, but I’m not perfect.
I started cooking and he came over and started to rub my back. It was beyond awkward, not just because I barely knew him, but also because he tried to force conversation at the same time.
I had already told him that I’m not a very touchy-feely person, but he ignored that for the most part. He kept asking if it bothered me, and I kept saying kinda… Whilst screaming in my head: Get away from me you weirdo, I don’t want you freaking touching me all the time!
After an awkward dinner, we watched The Princess Bride, which was one of our favorites. I get the movie is super quotable, but that doesn’t mean you should actually quote the entire thing word for word. He was cracking himself up, so he kept at it.
His couch was terrible. It was old and sagged in the middle. It made it very hard to just sit on, and Sebastian wanted to “cuddle,” which, after the awkwardness during the making of dinner, I wasn’t really up for. He tried to anyway, but that too was awkward.
I could tell he was looking at me throughout the movie, and I told him I noticed. He said, “You’re just so beautiful, I can’t look away.”
*GAG* I can’t even…*throwing up* Yuuucckkk. That’s when I realized how much he was fawning over me, both in our texts and in person. Did I mention yuck?
To make matters worse, he started planning our next date before the movie was over. Inconceivable! I was way over him by that point. I don’t remember what I told him, but I deflected his planning our next date.
Early the next morning, I texted him and told him it wasn’t going to work out between us. He took it well, thankfully.
Bleh. What a loser. Oh, well, that’s what I get for trying tinder. I deleted my account soon thereafter.
Being reminded of how much I hate guys ingratiating themselves to me was good, though it was awkward in excess.
I have learned since that I don’t mind guys who are touchy-feely, as long as they do it somewhat naturally and don’t try to force it.
I also learned I need to know my own boundaries and also how to verbalize what they are to guys. Dating is the pits, especially of the online variety, and who knows what will come of staying off of it for a few months?
Author’s note: The polar bear in the picture represents me, and the walruses represent all the losers I’ve met online.
Between Two Poles 