Here is the second installment of my book The Ultimate Guide to Not Sucking at Human Interactions: One person’s painful account of being awkward
Here’s Part 1, in case you missed it.
Part 2: You probably didn’t actually move to Alaska, so we can pretend like you never saw chapters 4 through 7—Also, tips on dating
Chapter 8: How to avoid and combat questions about still being single at your age
This chapter is mostly geared towards people 25 years-old or older, but it’s applicable for everyone.
Getting questions about still being single are the worst. I’m not sure why people feel the need to ask such invasive questions about my relationship status.
The other day, my dad took it one step further. We were at the dinner table, and my brother said something about me turning 27 in a few weeks.
My dad said, “Your mom had two kids when she was 27.”
Gee. Thanks, Dad.
This coming from the man who says I’m still young and I have plenty of time. His not-so-subtle barb was unwarranted. He wanted to rile me up, but I didn’t fall for it. It makes me mad in retrospect because his comment was intentionally provoking. I’m working on me, and being single is the best relationship status for self-improvement.
Combatting stupid questions about your relationship status: A list
- Act deaf.
- Pretend you only speak Russian.
- Punch them in the face (this is awesome because it doesn’t require speaking).
- Pretend you are allergic to stupid questions.
- Hang out with people who don’t judge you based on your relationship status. Hahahaha—good luck with this one.
- Find a support group; in most cities they are called SPAs (Single People Anonymous). Though, anonymity isn’t exactly conducive with finding a mate.
- Tell them you would be more than happy to date, but everyone you’ve met so far reminds you of them, and you’d rather die alone.
- Channel your inner goose from chapter 2 and squawk at them until they run away. Bonus points for flapping your arms.
- Burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter mixed in with awkward crying until they go away.
Chapter 9: Navigating the hell that is online dating
I’m speaking from experience. Back away slowly.
Just say no.
Online dating is a time-suck and a money-pit.
If you feel like online dating is the only option, here are some pointers.
Advice for (online) dating: A list
- Don’t settle. There are a lot of losers out there. You will not be able to completely avoid them, but you can choose not to associate with them once you find out they aren’t good enough for you.
- Before you get too attached, have the person meet your family. If the person you are dating refuses to do so, that is a big red flag and you should dump them immediately.
- Assuming your family gets to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend, ask your family to give their honest opinion of that person. Tell them to be completely honest with you and listen to their observations, concerns, and encouragement.
- Repeat steps 2 and 3 with your closest friends. As soon as you start liking someone, your view of your boyfriend or girlfriend is skewed towards the positive, but third-party observers can be very helpful in introducing reality back into your life.
- Listen to your gut. If anything the person does gives you an icky feeling, listen to that visceral response from your body. Your intuition will rarely lie to you.
Holy crap, nine chapters in, and I finally give some worthwhile advice. That’s what you get for persevering through the satire.
I’ve had enough seriousness for a while. Let’s get back on track.
Chapter 10: How to not fall for every cute guy or girl you meet and also getting over those one hundred guys or girls for whom you’ve already fallen
I’m not sure if I’m the only person who does this, but I fall in “like” easily. All it really takes is a cute guy talking to me. If we have values and interests in common, I’m a goner.
It’s quite annoying, honestly. I get attached to people quickly in general, and I have an especially hard time getting over men to whom I am attracted. I have an active imagination, and I start thinking about what a good couple we would make.
I’m sure there are ways to keep this from happening, but I have yet to discover them. Well, maybe I can try to come up with some ideas. Executing them will be the problem.
Tips for avoiding people of the opposite sex—I mean, ways to avoid falling in love with those people: A list
- Raise your expectations so high no person on earth will be worthy of your affections.
- Refuse to mingle with other people who are single.
- Use your imagination to create the delusion you are already happily married and don’t need anyone else in your life, besides animals. You can never have too many animals.
- Avoid public places that harbor desperate people looking for love: bars, gyms, and Tuesday night church groups.
- If you must look for love go to a dog park and pick someone who has a big dog. Dogs you can punt aren’t very trusting or pleasant, and their owners are even worse.
Part 3 in the works! It’s a good one. Stay tuned for more ridiculousness.