The joys of being moody

Yay.

Another night where I can’t sleep. Fun stuff, let me tell you.

Sometimes I feel like I have my sleep figured out; other times, like tonight, all my usual “tricks” don’t work.

Oh, well. I probably take sleep for granted, so this keeps me honest. Still sucks, though, cause tomorrow morning will be a booger.

Writing sometimes helps, though it is a last resort. One of my biggest pet peeves is lying in bed, unable to fall asleep, so I figured I might as well be productive tonight.

Whining about sleep is boring for all parties involved. I’m going to answer a question from a writing prompt card I received for my birthday:

What is something not many people understand about you?

Oh, man. How much time do you have?

There are so many things people don’t understand about me and it’s hard to choose just one.

The most general example is how intense I am in all areas of my life, be it relationships, sports, emotions, everything. People typically don’t understand why or how I am so passionate, competitive, and emotive.

I am an all or nothing kind of person. I go from one extreme to the next, and I don’t spend much time in the middle, which makes the name of my blog somewhat ironic.

Growing up, I didn’t feel like anyone understood me. I don’t know that I would’ve articulated it that way then. Looking back, I think that’s how I felt. I still have a lot of anger, and that isn’t understood (even by me, which is frustrating).

Recently, I feel like I have this undercurrent of anger always flowing right beneath the surface and it rears its head at the drop of the hat.

Yes, I am aware I am straying from the prompt.

Last week, I got home from work to find my bedroom and bathroom is disarray. If I didn’t have a dog, I might’ve thought someone broke into my house, unmade my bed, and knocked over my shower curtain in the most pointless heist ever undertaken.

However, I do have a dog, and I knew she was the culprit. Other aspects of my relationship with Harper have been rather strained lately, so this incident sent me over the edge. It didn’t help that I couldn’t figure out how to put the shower rod back up. Righty-tighty, and lefty-loosy do not apply to shower rods. FYI.

I had a spectacular meltdown. Many a curse words were said—uh, screamed—and my voice was about two octaves lower the next day.

Somehow, I didn’t break anything, which is a rarity when my temper flares. Usually, I smash and slam and throw and destroy. I am slightly proud of myself for not causing any destruction; though, I am simultaneously embarrassed for losing my mind for about fifteen minutes.

Other things besides Harper have peaked my temper the past month or so, and I’m not sure where the anger is coming from. There was a period earlier this year where my temper was in check, for once.

I might need to explore this recent moodiness with my therapist.

It’s possible the impetus is the loss of a very dear friend who died a few weeks ago. She was only 58. She was like a mom to me, and I have anger surrounding her passing. She had cancer, and I know she isn’t suffering anymore, but it still makes me sad and angry.

There are other things that are likely contributing to the anger, but overall, life is really good right now. I have a social life that is healthy and invigorating, and I am content with where I am in life.

I’m mostly confused by the reemergence of my extreme anger; maybe it’s just cyclical and I’ll always deal with bouts of irritability. My illness may play a part, but I want to be careful not to put all the blame on my bipolar.

I was hoping writing might bring a revelation to the surface, but alas, that didn’t happen tonight.

Hopefully, I get a reprieve in the next few weeks. Being angry and irritable all the time isn’t fun, and I know I am a pain to be around when I’m so touchy and emotional.

It’s a good thing I live alone now.

It’s not surprising people don’t understand me. I don’t understand myself some of the time, which makes it impossible to explain to others what’s going on with me.